Playing Chess with God: Mind vs. Mind

GodWarning: The opinions expressed in this article are in no way indicative of the beliefs that Kris Elkins holds. These opinions are meant entirely in jest….Sort of…

December 25th is just around the corner. Presents have hopefully been bought and wrapped. I’ve purchased a case of mistletoe to use on unsuspecting women, with the help of my good friend Barney Stinson. Christmas music is in full swing. People are wishing each other a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy Holidays” while secretely wishing those people would be hit by a bus. Not to kill of course, just seriously injure as a result of taking that front parking space…

You know the saddest thing about this Christmas? Not the fact that I’ll spend it alone. It’s not that our family’s annual Christmas tradition of late is to eat dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. It’s not even the fact that I’m on call for the entire week of Christmas. The thing that makes me most upset is the possibility that none of us will even live long enough to see the greatest holiday humanity has ever known! This holiday is only a mere week away, and the thought of not being able to experience it at least one last time makes me want to kick a kitten.

Today while I was slaving away at work (i.e. stalking you Facebook people), I noticed that an agnostic friend of mine had posted a quote from the Bible. I wanted to share,

“No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father” Mark 13:32

I don’t believe that the world will end this Friday. I honestly can’t think of a single acquaintance of mine that does. If I do, then you better believe I will be hanging out with them the next 48hrs so I can blow every last penny that they own! This scripture is not necessarily why I believe that the Mayans are incorrect either. While I have had the opportunity to visit South America, I have never been able to see with my own eyes the beauty that was crafted by these people. However, I just refuse to believe that it’s ending.

I came to this conclusion when I was eight years old. There, I just proved how freaking intelligent I was. While all of you people were playing with your Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering why your farts smelled worse in the pool, I was doing all those same things and trying to discover ways in which I could prevent the apocalypse. You may laugh right now, but I can take you to the wooded spot in Martinsville, Indiana where I discovered the secret to beat global warming, the Mayan calendar, and even the second-coming of Jesus. Allow me to show you some insight into how my mind worked. (Side note, this is fo’ realz).

When I was a young boy, I was terrified concerning the thought of any spiritual rapture, the second coming of Christ, death, or the end of the world. Growing up in Sunday School, I was taught that one day, when we were ALL unsuspecting that God would come back and wisk us all to Heaven. I was eight, and wasn’t particularly fond of the thought of Heaven. I enjoyed life as I knew it. I had friends, pretty good parents, a great family, and I was the shiz (according to my own eight-year-old self). The thought of Heaven would paralyze me with fear. Had my parents, school teachers, or other adults been aware then I am convinced that they could have gotten me to behave better by threatening the second-coming to me!

So I devised a plan. This plan literally was months in the making. At one point I drew out a diagram in colored pencil. I’d donate any limb to have that in my possession now. Here we go…

1) The end of the world is contingent upon EVERYONE being unaware. This means that no one on the earth can be thinking about the second coming in order for it to happen. I devised that everyone take ten second turns. Easy enough. Divided up by country.

2) I then realized language barriers. Some people have shorter attention spans. So I decided to go with five second turns. Easy enough.

3) What about working adults? Paying attention to their workflow and thinking these thoughts would prove burdensome. A book I got my hands on as a young kid focused on mind control and electrocution to give people supernatural powers. (Don’t blame my parents, I believe this book was located in my public school library). I then devised a plan to take all inmates from the U.S. and hook them up to mind controlling computers, which would then force them to think about the end of the world, thereby preventing the actions from ever taking place.

4) Power outages? God was always “one upping” me. I went with backup generators. Boom.

5) When all else failed, sometimes I would sit in Sunday School and try to see how long I could go by forcing myself to think about these thoughts. And people wonder why I don’t remember much about this time in my life. Geez.

So people, I beg of you, unite! Let us all get together, take turns, and rotate our thoughts in that we can prevent the end of the world! We have the power within ourselves! I don’t have the funds for a mind controlling device but I do have enough friends throughout the world that we can all take turns. The world is relying on us. In the words of Mikey from The Goonies,

“The next time you see sky, it’ll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it’ll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the bestest stuff for us. But right now they gotta do what’s right for them, ’cause it’s their time. Their time, up there. Down here it’s our time. It’s our time down here. That’s all over the second we ride up Troy’s bucket.”

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